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Tsonga and Simon in Worst Photoshoot Ever

Posted by gauloises1 on May 24, 2009

So apparently Gilles and Jo were in the French version of Men’s Health recently.

And I’m serious. This could be the worst series of photos taken of two sublimely handsome men in history. HISTORY.

cover

For starters, that doesn’t even *look* like Gilles. Seriously, he looks like Jensen Ackles. And I ache with longing for Jensen Ackles as Dean Winchester as much as the next girl, but that is a whole different conversation.

For mains, why would you put Gilles and not Jo on the cover? I love Gilles so much it hurts, don’t get me wrong. But part of the reason I think he’s so gorgeous is that he doesn’t look so much like an athlete/tennis player as much as the brooding guy in the corner chain-smoking Gitanes in some dank cafe, spilling coffee and ashing on the pages of the copy of Kierkegaard that he’s scribbling in the margins of. You know? Not a poster boy for a conventionally aspirational body, is what I’m saying.

And for dessert … “Boostez Votre Mentals”? I mean, if that means what I think it means, then why the fuck would you think Gilles knows anything about that, based on his recent results?

menshealth gilles1

“Voulez-vous regardez mon etchings?”

menshealth jo

This IS an alternative Tsonga, you’re right.

One that you’ve made bizarrely washed out and uncomfortable-looking.

Plus this IS Men’s Health, right? If ever there was a legitimate excuse to have these guys naked, or at least somewhat so, that is it. So why are you muffling up all that hottness and, let’s be frank, wank fodder in as many clothes as possible? Seriously, I’m surprised Jo’s not wearing earmuffs. And while Jo in earmuffs would be adorable, NOT THE POINT, Men’s Health.

menshealth gilles

Finally! A step in the right direction!

Still doesn’t look like Gilles, but we’re getting somewhere!

menshealth gilles2

Or not so much.

Also? This is not Gilles. This is a waxwork of Gilles. It’s a subtle but crucial distinction!

Either that, or at some point since I saw him last (losing to some idiot somewhere), Gilles went dead behind the eyes. And that troubles me.

So much fail, Men’s Health. So much potential, and yet so much fail. You get given the natural bounty that is Gilles and Jo, and this is what you do with them?

You’re on my list, French Men’s Health.

59 Responses to “Tsonga and Simon in Worst Photoshoot Ever”

  1. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    OMG THESE ARE AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    and i want these two…….BAD!!!!!!!LOL…….thats how awful it is
    i’m particularly disappointed due to the fact that the word sex is beside gilles

  2. whitelinefervor said

    “Not a poster boy for a conventionally aspirational body, is what I’m saying.

    And for dessert … “Boostez Votre Mentals”? I mean, if that means what I think it means, then why the fuck would you think Gilles knows anything about that, based on his recent results?”

    LOL x2, coming from one of the biggest Gilles-boosters in the known universe. But he is getting some new chest hairs, I think – good to see the Baby Owl is finally going through the last stage of puberty! Maybe his results will get an HGH-like boost as a result?

    p.s. why is Jo-Willie so… purple?!

  3. neil in toronto said

    LOL at the resposes folks!! Maybe Gillou made the cover BECAUSE he doesn’t have a “traditional” athlete’s body. If we can think of Serena as beautiful for not being rail thin, certainy we can think rail thin Gilles is hot also!

    Vive le difference or whatever :)

    • Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

      DAMNIT….here i was with Gilles scripted in my ATP Twink Gay Porno!!!!!LOL………..this has ruined it…….. who will be in it now????………unless i change it to Bears…..
      eh….obv sexism!!!!!!!!LOL

      • gauloises1 said

        I was REALLY surprised by that chest hair, I must admit. Has he always had it?

        He just looks like a hairless one. Our beloved plucked poulet …

        • gauloises1 said

          If you notice, the word sex is also below Jo … but apparently he’s only getting 33% for it. Yet more proof in favour of this being the worst photoshoot ever.

          Or IS that number per cent? Or marks out of 33? Or inches?

      • gauloises1 said

        P.S. It’s a mystery, but I’m fairly sure sexism is to blame.

    • whitelinefervor said

      Holy shit – this thread has exploded with comments!

      Nope – never had chest hair in any of the photos I have previously obsessed over looked at casually. Just a little “love spread” (not exactly a trail) from the belly button on down.

  4. Tru said

    Staff photographer giving the interns an opportunity to show their stuff. Can’t possibly be professional

  5. Nic said

    Last photo: Take tennis racquet, and substitute for violin. What do you get?

    And I love the ‘authentic’ in the locker room feel of the third shot. Because all players bring a spare wooden racquet. Obviously. And see how he has no shoes? That’s because this shot was caught ‘in the moment’ :P Yes, he already has his socks on, but he usually saves doing up his shirt until later. Just in case a men’s health photographer decides he wants a photo first.

    Oh the awkward. It hurts. (still at least they didn’t have to do as much photo shop as Men’s Health did for ARod’s old cover.

  6. whitelinefervor said

    And not for nothing, but I don’t know how they hid Gilles’ bulge so well in that cover shot. Because he is reknowned in certain places as the male player with the biggest bulge, you know. Just educating, here.

    • gauloises1 said

      “Top” in a straight sense?

      *shakes head at all heterosexuals*

      I’m excusing myself from that crowd on the basis of my Momo adoration.

  7. linz said

    My life is now complete because of this post. I am way way way too drunk to add anything substantive (not that i usually can…) but I do want to say to Jacko that I once produced an original musical where three of the main characters were called “Twink”, “Bear”, and “Down Low”. I mean…it was pretty amazing. I don’t know what else to say.

    Wilfy- I always loved you, but love turned into obsession when you post a link to tennis player bulges. I mean, that’s like a direct link to my heart.

    This is really all just too much…TOO MUCH I say!!!!!

  8. Tru said

    “I can’t believe I just tied this into a tennis thread. Unbelievable/Incredible”

    Lmao..trying to picture this thread at TW :-D

  9. Internet Name said

    He doesn’t read. After the football match or Gladiator screening he probably goes to McDonald’s rather than a cafe to discuss Kierkegaard.

    • gauloises1 said

      We need to know more about this musical.

      I mean, really. And ASAP.

    • C Note said

      That musical is pretty much on regular rotation in my neighborhood.

      But what did I really expect moving to the Castro. Y’all should see the Starbucks down the street. Everyone calls it “The Bear Lair”. For a very very clear reason.

    • Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

      OMG CAN I BE IN IT!!!!!!!!!LOL………wilfy knows the key to yours (and my) heart!!!LOL

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  20. gauloises1 said

    Hey, I made it VERY CLEAR I think Gilles is incredibly hot. If I didn’t, let me do so now: I think Gilles is incredibly hot.

    But not in these pictures.* And he just seemed like a counter-intuitive choice for the cover.

    *I still would, though, obviously.

  21. gauloises1 said

    “Twink”?

    Please clarify.

  22. gauloises1 said

    Either that, or it’s a conspiracy. Probably shape-shifting reptilian aliens are to blame.

  23. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twink_(gay_slang)

    wow…i’m the minor and i know porn language better than you!!!!!!!!LOL………………………….oh wait….

  24. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    OMG OMG OMG HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *loves*
    *loves Eurovision*

  25. gauloises1 said

    :lol: Well played.

    Yeah, that shoe placement smacks of spontaneity and not remotely of product shilling. (Although I did actually look at the shoes and think ‘pretty nice’, so the product placement did work – maybe they made the photos so bad so you’d HAVE to look for something else to focus on, maybe a product you’d like to purchase …)

    Argh, please don’t bring that awful Norwegian round here!

  26. gauloises1 said

    Well, I don’t watch a lot of porn, Jacko.

    A good issue of Men’s Health usually does it for me.

  27. whitelinefervor said

    I think the key here is “gay slang” Jacko. ;-P

  28. Nic said

    Isn’t he from Belarus. Like that other gem, Azacranky.

  29. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    well thats no fun!!

  30. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    OMG i forgot about his Sex trail!!!LOL
    is that ur prefered method of Joy spreading wilfy???LOL

  31. gauloises1 said

    I can’t believe I’ve failed at topless Gilles studyage AND gay slang in the same thread.

    This is a dark day for me.

  32. whitelinefervor said

    Hey – my tongue got relocated!

  33. whitelinefervor said

    LOL at “joy spreader” callback. Nicely played!

  34. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    Gosh…..damn str8s…..never care to learn gay slang….
    i’ve had countless confusing conversation when sum1 has used the term Top in a str8 sense….!!!!LOL
    i like ur tongue where it is….although……

  35. gauloises1 said

    No … he’s the Norwegian guy who won in the landslide.

    A metaphorical landslide, not one which crushed all the other contestants. Although that would have raised the overall level of musical proficiency in the world significantly.

  36. gauloises1 said

    And I like Cranky :)

  37. gauloises1 said

    Where are these places, exactly?

    I always thought Kiefer was that guy.

    That reminds me of watching Wimbledon last year with a good friend of mine … every time they showed a slow motion shot of Rafa turning round, my friend would perk up in his seat and then sink back all disappointed when he realised it was in fact a tennis ball in Rafa’s shorts :)

  38. Tru said

    Tell it!

  39. whitelinefervor said

    LMAO, g. Don’t worry – you got backup on this front!

  40. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    its ok gau….i’ll give u a lesson some day…in both gay and str8 slang!!!LOL

  41. whitelinefervor said

    g – check out the last, er, 10 pages or so. Not that I have. I’ve just heard it spoken of.

    http://www.menstennisforums.com/showthread.php?t=7716&page=42

  42. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    Wilfy…..i’v ben waiting to bring it up!!LOL
    its ok Gau……i mean……i remember when i was uneducated in the language of SEX!!!!LOL

  43. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    never was in topless gilles though

  44. Nic said

    My bad, just that some wildly jealous male friends of mine were up in arms about how he was born in Belarus and that really doesn’t count (although moved to Norway by 6, so whatevs… losing sight of point very quickly now….) He did win by some stupid margin. It’s ok Azerbaijan, I still love you.

    I like Cranky, if Masha decides she’d rather just watch runway shows for the rest of her life at least I’ll have a replacement.

  45. gauloises1 said

    What would I do without you, WLF?

  46. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    he has the look!!LOL
    but as we all know….lleyton is the way too go……closely followed by Kiefer…Pim Pim and marat………..but marat wins as he goes gay style!!!LOL
    i;m sure grigor and henkon will be up there soon…….i’ll hav eye witness accounts!!!LOL

  47. gauloises1 said

    OH GOD.

    To quote Serena, “My eyes, my innocent eyes.”

  48. linz said

    hahahahahaha. I mean, can you guess what the title was??? just guess gaul.

    Ok. I’ll tell you. It was “Wood”.

    And I’m 100% serious. And it was a spoof of “A Midsummer Nights Dream”.

    This isn’t from the production I produced (which was just a workshop), but more info is here: http://www.woodthemusical.com/about.php

    I can’t believe I just tied this into a tennis thread. Unbelievable/Incredible

  49. gauloises1 said

    I HAVE to see this.

    Seriously.

  50. gauloises1 said

    I am learning so much tonight.

    Seriously. Horizons. Expanding. All over the place.

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