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Tsonga and Simon in Worst Photoshoot Ever

Posted by gauloises1 on May 24, 2009

So apparently Gilles and Jo were in the French version of Men’s Health recently.

And I’m serious. This could be the worst series of photos taken of two sublimely handsome men in history. HISTORY.


For starters, that doesn’t even *look* like Gilles. Seriously, he looks like Jensen Ackles. And I ache with longing for Jensen Ackles as Dean Winchester as much as the next girl, but that is a whole different conversation.

For mains, why would you put Gilles and not Jo on the cover? I love Gilles so much it hurts, don’t get me wrong. But part of the reason I think he’s so gorgeous is that he doesn’t look so much like an athlete/tennis player as much as the brooding guy in the corner chain-smoking Gitanes in some dank cafe, spilling coffee and ashing on the pages of the copy of Kierkegaard that he’s scribbling in the margins of. You know? Not a poster boy for a conventionally aspirational body, is what I’m saying.

And for dessert … “Boostez Votre Mentals”? I mean, if that means what I think it means, then why the fuck would you think Gilles knows anything about that, based on his recent results?

menshealth gilles1

“Voulez-vous regardez mon etchings?”

menshealth jo

This IS an alternative Tsonga, you’re right.

One that you’ve made bizarrely washed out and uncomfortable-looking.

Plus this IS Men’s Health, right? If ever there was a legitimate excuse to have these guys naked, or at least somewhat so, that is it. So why are you muffling up all that hottness and, let’s be frank, wank fodder in as many clothes as possible? Seriously, I’m surprised Jo’s not wearing earmuffs. And while Jo in earmuffs would be adorable, NOT THE POINT, Men’s Health.

menshealth gilles

Finally! A step in the right direction!

Still doesn’t look like Gilles, but we’re getting somewhere!

menshealth gilles2

Or not so much.

Also? This is not Gilles. This is a waxwork of Gilles. It’s a subtle but crucial distinction!

Either that, or at some point since I saw him last (losing to some idiot somewhere), Gilles went dead behind the eyes. And that troubles me.

So much fail, Men’s Health. So much potential, and yet so much fail. You get given the natural bounty that is Gilles and Jo, and this is what you do with them?

You’re on my list, French Men’s Health.

59 Responses to “Tsonga and Simon in Worst Photoshoot Ever”

  1. Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

    OMG THESE ARE AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    and i want these two…….BAD!!!!!!!LOL…….thats how awful it is
    i’m particularly disappointed due to the fact that the word sex is beside gilles

  2. whitelinefervor said

    “Not a poster boy for a conventionally aspirational body, is what I’m saying.

    And for dessert … “Boostez Votre Mentals”? I mean, if that means what I think it means, then why the fuck would you think Gilles knows anything about that, based on his recent results?”

    LOL x2, coming from one of the biggest Gilles-boosters in the known universe. But he is getting some new chest hairs, I think – good to see the Baby Owl is finally going through the last stage of puberty! Maybe his results will get an HGH-like boost as a result?

    p.s. why is Jo-Willie so… purple?!

  3. neil in toronto said

    LOL at the resposes folks!! Maybe Gillou made the cover BECAUSE he doesn’t have a “traditional” athlete’s body. If we can think of Serena as beautiful for not being rail thin, certainy we can think rail thin Gilles is hot also!

    Vive le difference or whatever 🙂

    • Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

      DAMNIT….here i was with Gilles scripted in my ATP Twink Gay Porno!!!!!LOL………..this has ruined it…….. who will be in it now????………unless i change it to Bears…..
      eh….obv sexism!!!!!!!!LOL

      • gauloises1 said

        I was REALLY surprised by that chest hair, I must admit. Has he always had it?

        He just looks like a hairless one. Our beloved plucked poulet …

        • gauloises1 said

          If you notice, the word sex is also below Jo … but apparently he’s only getting 33% for it. Yet more proof in favour of this being the worst photoshoot ever.

          Or IS that number per cent? Or marks out of 33? Or inches?

      • gauloises1 said

        P.S. It’s a mystery, but I’m fairly sure sexism is to blame.

    • whitelinefervor said

      Holy shit – this thread has exploded with comments!

      Nope – never had chest hair in any of the photos I have previously obsessed over looked at casually. Just a little “love spread” (not exactly a trail) from the belly button on down.

  4. Tru said

    Staff photographer giving the interns an opportunity to show their stuff. Can’t possibly be professional

  5. Nic said

    Last photo: Take tennis racquet, and substitute for violin. What do you get?

    And I love the ‘authentic’ in the locker room feel of the third shot. Because all players bring a spare wooden racquet. Obviously. And see how he has no shoes? That’s because this shot was caught ‘in the moment’ 😛 Yes, he already has his socks on, but he usually saves doing up his shirt until later. Just in case a men’s health photographer decides he wants a photo first.

    Oh the awkward. It hurts. (still at least they didn’t have to do as much photo shop as Men’s Health did for ARod’s old cover.

  6. whitelinefervor said

    And not for nothing, but I don’t know how they hid Gilles’ bulge so well in that cover shot. Because he is reknowned in certain places as the male player with the biggest bulge, you know. Just educating, here.

    • gauloises1 said

      “Top” in a straight sense?

      *shakes head at all heterosexuals*

      I’m excusing myself from that crowd on the basis of my Momo adoration.

  7. linz said

    My life is now complete because of this post. I am way way way too drunk to add anything substantive (not that i usually can…) but I do want to say to Jacko that I once produced an original musical where three of the main characters were called “Twink”, “Bear”, and “Down Low”. I mean…it was pretty amazing. I don’t know what else to say.

    Wilfy- I always loved you, but love turned into obsession when you post a link to tennis player bulges. I mean, that’s like a direct link to my heart.

    This is really all just too much…TOO MUCH I say!!!!!

  8. Tru said

    “I can’t believe I just tied this into a tennis thread. Unbelievable/Incredible”

    Lmao..trying to picture this thread at TW 😀

  9. Internet Name said

    He doesn’t read. After the football match or Gladiator screening he probably goes to McDonald’s rather than a cafe to discuss Kierkegaard.

    • gauloises1 said

      We need to know more about this musical.

      I mean, really. And ASAP.

    • C Note said

      That musical is pretty much on regular rotation in my neighborhood.

      But what did I really expect moving to the Castro. Y’all should see the Starbucks down the street. Everyone calls it “The Bear Lair”. For a very very clear reason.

    • Jacko (Private Detective) Ghostness!! said

      OMG CAN I BE IN IT!!!!!!!!!LOL………wilfy knows the key to yours (and my) heart!!!LOL

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