New Balls, Please

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Decision 2010: Who Gets Your Vote?

Posted by gauloises1 on May 6, 2010

Update: Please note that polls will stay open until midnight GMT tonight, in the grand electoral tradition. There’s still time to campaign …

So. It’s time to face up to the elephant in the room. Even the most optimistic estimates acknowledge that we are facing a long, barren summer/autumn/winter/future without Delpo on the tour, and whatever news we do get about him is likely to be depressing. It’s also true that, for some inexplicable reason, Delpo has become the main mascot, poster-boy and raison d’etre of New Balls, Please. He’s our tagline. He’s the majority of my posts. And while it’s safe to say that this will always be the case, now that the first shock of the news has worn off and the reality of Roland Garros, Wimbledon, Davis Cup and almost certainly the US Open without him is sinking in, the mind turns inevitably to coping strategies. Not for me personally; enough drinking will almost certainly take care of that. For this increasingly sporadic blog of mine.

Henceforth, I propose the following: the immediate adoption of an interim ultrafave as the stand-in recipient of my most obsessive blogging attention. I’ll do my best to watch his matches and rhapsodise about them or bewail them at length; I’ll keep you up-to-date on the latest news about him, no matter how trivial; and I won’t let a week go by without posting new (or old but suitably appealing) photos, no matter how specious the excuse. I’ll even change the tagline of the blog to reflect the shift in focus. And in the spirit of election day in Great Britain (I get excited about voting, OK?), I thought I would make this a democratic decision and hold a poll. Obviously whoever it is will probably get dumped like yesterday’s empties when Delpo comes back, but in the meantime … You, the reader (there may only be one of you these days), will decide.

So, without further ado, I present to you my shortlist for the stand-in mascot of New Balls, Please.

Marin Cilic

Pros: basically Delpo, but a bit less good (but with two working wrists); I blog about him all the time anyway; a specious excuse to talk about Delpo; much adorable Goran-age is implied, if not necessary; a nice line in deadpan; excellent hugger; did I mention the Goran-age?

Cons: frustratingly inconsistent; once climbed over a fence to avoid me (OK, it was a small fence so it was more of a step, but still); hugging technique very much dependent on the recipient.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: If you’re reading this, he’s already lost. Or he’s winning really well. What week is this?!”

David Ferrer

Pros: friend to the animals; well-established Davis Cup warrior, thus making it less annoying when Spain inevitably win; besties with Boss in an adorable fashion; prone to ripping off his clothes; he’s so adorable it’s even bearable when he beats Murray; yummy tummy; rumoured to be a smoker, which we like.

Cons: depressingly often found next to Rafa holding a small plate.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: Tightly locked inside David Ferrer’s punishment box.” 

Tomas Berdych

Pros: he’s really quite attractive; has a token comedy resemblance to a maniacal liver-eating serial killer; card-carrying Davis Cup warrior; often does well enough to justify frequent bloggage.

Cons: I’ve been anywhere between ambivalent and downright mean about him in the past, thus risking increasing my well-established (and deserved) reputation for fickleness; only known bromance is with Steps; frequent discussion of his sandwich-avoiding girlfriend will also probably be necessary; he may find out about me and eat my liver.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: Feeding the masses on Lucie Safarova’s leftovers.”

Juan Carlos Ferrero

Pros: he owns Valencia, and you too; can wear this hat and still somehow be hot; proven to improve with age; living dinosaur, in a good way; looks amazing in a suit.

Cons: kind of old, so we might see a lot of this; I already blog a lot about him already.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: We know who our daddy is.”

Thomaz Bellucci

Pros: Provides both hot and hilarious photoage; gets noticeably and suspiciously more attractive and less nasal with each off-season; sometimes wins stuff.

Cons: Not that much actual news about him, so I would have to make it up find some.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: Nobody nose Bellucci like we do.”

Henri Kontinen

Pros: former Wimbledon boys’ champion trying to make it on the tour, offering you a unique chance to get in on the next big thing very, very early; prolific tweeter; supplies a lot of his own cute photographs; well-established bromance potential.

Cons: would force me to blog a lot about Challengers and Futures and such; potential massive loss of investment if he isn’t, after all, the next big or even a thing.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: In three years’ time, we’ll look amazingly prescient. Maybe.”

Ernests Gulbis

Pros: Starting to capitalise on his huge talent (not a euphemism); hilarious press conferences; never dull.

Cons: Inconsistency, prostitutes and taking lateness to a whole new level.

Suggested tagline:New Balls, Please: Where we’d do Ernests Gulbis for free.”

So those are the candidates – but only you can decide. Please cast your vote, and then elaborate on your choice/suggest alternative taglines/ let me know who should have been on the shortlist and why in the comments. Remember: destiny is in your hands.

(Please note that I’m going to do what I want regardless of your vote, just as soon as I’ve figured out what it is I want. I did say this was inspired by the UK’s general election.)

77 Responses to “Decision 2010: Who Gets Your Vote?”

  1. kefuoe said

    Tough choices. If I thought my vote mattered, I’d have felt enormous pressure. As it stands, I cast a “Lolita” vote (i.e., light of my life, fire of my loins).

  2. Rani said

    Gulbis, please! (Or you can devote NBP to all the streaky, head-casey types. Let the other blogs cover folks who win on a regular basis.)

  3. SA said

    “Tightly locked inside David Ferrer’s punishment box” is just a really great tagline.

  4. meretricula said

    can we have a joint Team Valencia favorite? each is awesome on his own, but combined they reach new heights of fabulous and adorable! (although “tightly locked inside David Ferrer’s punishment box” really is a truly amazing tagline.)

  5. coookies said

    Picked Marin, partly for the Goran-age. Ernie and Tomas were my next picks, can we have them all?

  6. Allison said

    Go for Gulbs! It may just be because of his recent spree that I think he would produce some good material, but all in all, I think he’s pretty intriguing.

    I’m totally devoted to Delpo, hence why I check this sight daily, so it makes me very sad to even think of you changing the tagline, but I know when he’s back and healthy, we’ll all be back to worshiping him 🙂

  7. Sher said


  8. naughty T....urbane gentleman said

    oh Lord.. hard hard choices… I am thinking it has to be Henkon or Berdy really.. oh lord. can we not have them both?

  9. whitelinefervor said

    As I started to read this awesome feature/poll, I had already established in my mind, resigned, that I would be forced to write-in my inevitable “Henri Kontinen” vote here since my preferred choice would never be in the running.

    So imagine my delighted surprise when you proved me wrong, gaul! *stands and applauds*

    Yes, HenKon got my vote (and, probably, the only one he’ll get). But, if I may lobby for votes while I’m here, here are some other reasons for you NB readers to vote for him (as if you haven’t already voted, you quick-triggered rogues):

    1) Tremendous potential. Who was the person who gained the most ranking spots among ALL ATP PROS in 2009? Henri Kontinen. He was injured for six weeks in 2010, but is gobbling up rankings points anew now that he’s back. Has wins over Top 100 opponents already and has been projected by the top pros who’ve played him as being can’t-miss Top 50 material (at least).

    2) Fantastic personality. I’m not sure there’s a smarter player with a more playful and upbeat sense of humor on the entire tour. The kid is hilarious, gregarious, affable, mischievous and savvy. He’s the Andy Roddick of the Challenger tour already (twitternistically speaking).

    3) Massive nickname potential: HenKon, Henkka (his real nickname), The Kontinental Soldier, The Jark Shadow (’cause he’s constantly trailing/playing dubs with his Finnish countryman mentor, Jarkko Nieminen aka The Jark Lord), The Doll Finn, Henri the Great-th. (OK, so that last one needs work)

    4) Playing style – bringing Serve and Volley BACK, y’all! Right-handed, one-handed BH, big serve, beautiful volleys. The next coming of Stefan Edberg, I tell you (and just as good-looking). Will be The One to bring back a dying style of play from the edge of the grave. (Sorry, Taylor, I hoped it might be you but your results have been lacking lately)

    5) An investment in ancillary anticipatory aloofness: Getting in on the ground floor of Henkomania not only gives you the right to be smug later on when *he* ascends to the lofty heights of Destiny’s Terrace. Nay, in latching onto the tales and trevails of the Doll Finn, you will also correspondingly learn more about the lives/personalities of others on the Futures/Challengers circuit, and thus in a few years will be able to act all superior about having known about all the “latest tennis sensations” long before they were sensational to anyone else.

    Look people. I’m not meaning to seem so heavy handed here – I’m just looking out for your own best interests; when the Jark Shadow is the surprise Queens quarterfinalist this year and then wins Wimbledon in 2011, I don’t want you all to suffer the certain horror of thinking, “I could have voted for him as the New Balls interim ultrafave way back when. AND I DIDN’T.”

    And at that point, it will be too late. You’ll know deep down it would be ultra-hypocritical for you to share even the littlest bit in the joy of this Great New Player’s magical Becker-like run to the Championships. Because you’ll feel the stain of your not-voting way back when. And it will haunt your soul. *makes scary ghosty noise*

    *shakes self out of reverie*

    What? Who typed all that? Er, vote HenKon!


    • Arun said

      Well. that was impressive.
      I would have voted for Henkka. if only I was not one of those quick-triggered rogues. 😀

    • coookies said

      Wow, if only you posted before voted. This is totally convincing. But if we go for HenKon, can we have Grigor Dimitrov as his running mate? (Or is that an American thing?) Both will be playing challengers mostly…

  10. Mango said

    I voted for JCF, but can I write-in Tsonga? The main con with him is that he’ll probably be injured in about 2 weeks.

  11. neilintoronto said

    Hmm i cast my vote for Marin and here’s why, like Delpo before this amazing blog, not too many people were paying attention. Cilic already gets some play here, and did play amazing at the A.O. to reach his first semi so i think he deserves it. Also his smile is transformative and he’s got a quiet elegance about him.

  12. AmyLu said

    Ferru’s tagline is by far the best in my humble opinion. 🙂

    (But please tell me the Elf tagline won’t entirely disappear…that would make me sad)

  13. rafadoc said

    Ferruuuuuuu! Gauloises…you are awesome and resilient. 🙂 This post is so cool.

    Now, that said…we have bonded over cheering for Ferru…Barcelona 2009 ring any bells? Thought so. 😉

  14. sophienz said

    I voted for Ernests, mainly because of his cons. Inconsistency, lateness, and prostitutes make life more interesting. When they’re happening to someone else. Someone with great hair.

  15. Jenni said

    My vote is for a Ferru/Boss co-mascot. Why settle for one when you can have them both? They’re kind of a package deal these days anyway.

    Really though, I’m on board for anyone but Gulbis.

    • mina said

      i’m so on board with that. but for polling reasons i went with Ferru cos that pic was just wayyy too convincing.

      C’mon G, focus on the Spaniards you actually want to be locked in a room with as opposed to those you just want locked up with the key thrown away hehe

    • jewell - Make tea, not war. said

      Have I told you lately that I love you, Jenni? 🙂

      (although Gulbis is growing on me. Just a little bit.)

  16. Jackie said

    HAHAHA. Too fun.

    Went with JCF because, well, he’s JCF.

  17. jewell - Make tea, not war. said

    Went with Bellucci!

    also: awesome post all round. 🙂

  18. Imtotallyrad said

    My choice is for “the small man from Valencia” as robbie koenig seems to so enjoy calling him.
    although based purely on tagline alone i chuckled heartily at cilic.

    I’ve personally stepped up my ferru addiction a notch or two since delpo’s temporary departure if your blog was about him it would help me, to not have to try so hard to find my ferru news (im dedicated and lazy at the same time) but personally anything you blog about tends to turn out right…hell you’ve even made me look at murray in a different way (still detest him, but i no longer wish for him to fall over and injure himself, unless it against someone real speacial).

    so go forth and blog about whoever you choose….its all good

  19. Jess said

    My vote Ernie, Marin, Thommas…

    I did not vote for Ferru & JCF my favorite of the list bcoz I know you love him too… You’ll get him on your blog anyhow.

  20. lauren said

    Ferru for sure – he needs some support to finally snap out of his ‘I’m not worthy’ fug. And the strapline is perfect. Though after those pics of him with cat and lion, I’m thinking of a line using the words pussy and stroke but am too much of a pussy to say it.

    Whatever you do, not Gulbis. C’mon. Sure, he may look like a cute little moppet but the guy talks openly about not bothering about his tennis. If he doesn’t give a shit, why should we? He’s like a flashback to Lawn Tennis circa 1920 when amateurs – landed gentry with independent incomes – could be snotty about grammar school boys trying too hard and needing to actually work for a living.

  21. dootsiez said

    Red Hot Cilic Peppers, subconsciously this poll is already prejudiced towards him since he’s the only person with a monkey face.

    And no Gulbis – only ever relevant for about 2 weeks a year.

  22. tali said

    Defo Ernie! He rocks and would make great crazy substitute!

  23. tali said

    plus he’s got crazy scientist hairdo

  24. linz said

    OHMYGOD, I almost missed it.

    Well, since SOMEHOW you left Roddick and Isner off the list, I would like to campaign for DAVID FERRER. I’ll just let Andy Roddick do the talkiing:

    “You know who I’m a huge fan of David Ferrer. I just love how he’s maxed his game as much as anybody. You look at him you don’t say, “That shot was God-given.” You don’t look at him and say, “He does this amazing.” The guy competes his ass off every single time and doesn’t give an inch. And he’s made himself into a hell of a tennis player. And he’s also really, really, really sexy.”

    Okay, I MIGHT have added in one of those sentences on my own, I’ll let you guess which one, but the rest of it Andy really did say:

    And, might I add, that Andy Roddick took a moment away from fighting with JJ on twitter yesterday to give a beautiful shout out to Delpo. And Roddick also manages to lose to Delpo all the time, so he’s clearly a NBer.

    And Ernie is going to be getting enough love, trust me. Enough people will be on that bandwagon.

    I’m no Wilfy, but I thought I’d give it a shot =D

    • gauloises1 said

      Thanks Linz 🙂 Sam Querrey nearly made the list if it helps, but it was getting later and I was getting drunker and it turned out I couldn’t be bothered.

      I did give a shoutout to Roddick’s tweet in my last Delpo post. I thought it was so sweet of him and reminded me in a bittersweet fashion of this:

      Also love that Roddick quote on Ferru, thanks for bringing that up … and for your campaigning. Must say I thought Ferru would get more love from the NBers than he has …

      • linz said

        Oh don’t go devoting blogs to Querrey. He’s prone to falling through glass tables and getting hit by homeless people, so I’d say the chances of him making it through this season in tact are 50/50 at best. Next thing you know he’s going to fall out of the top bunk (I’m convinced that he and Johny have bunkbeds in every hotel they stay in) and get a concussion or get stabbed with a (plastic) sword while playing with the Samurai.

        Aaaw, that post brought me back to last summer….which as a Roddick fan was not a happy time, so thanks for that, but the post was good. I appreciate it more now that I’m not in my “post Rod loss” fog. The hugging picture is classic. As is “If you run, you die”.

        And yes, hopefully there will be more Ferru love, though I do suppose history would show that NBers like the ridiculously talented and brimming with potential players more than the hard worker/scrappers/squeeze-the-most-out-of-your-talent guys. (Not that Elf, etc. ISN’T hardworking……you know what I mean- maybe).

        Anyways, Ernie would certainly fit that bill- but as I said before, I feel like plently of people/bloggers are going to be on the Ernie train.

  25. Cami said

    Oh, so difficult to choose between Cilic, Gulbis and Juanqui! Voted for Ernie after all (the entertainingly honest pressers in Rome gave him the edge over the polite Marin and JCF), but wouldn’t mind any of them being chosen as the worthy substitute of Delpo!

  26. Sapphisto said


    Although I’d write in for either Jo or Nando.

    (What?! I can appreciate male beauty. From a distance. Heh.)

  27. Ernie gets my vote. I could write a whole post on this (and I did), but point is he’s like us – he doesn’t have that discipline that we admire in all the other guys, but that makes him more human.

    And he’s really, really sexy.

    The others are good too. Except JCF. His face looks like toilet paper, but he’s still awesome.

  28. Maria1 said

    Cilic. Reminds me of Delpo in similar ways
    Is gargantuan. (always wanted to use that in a sentence)
    Has a cute smile.
    Has giant clown feet.
    Plays tennis.

    He helps to slightly ease Elf-ache in me. Despite his hanging gardens of Babylon armpits.

  29. Cubbie_Carrie said

    My votes are for Ferru (love the tagline) or Belluci. I am also on the anyone but Gulbis train. I feel like there will be plenty of other places that will be obsessive about him and I am just not as oh my gawd gaga about him as a lot of folks (including himself) are.

    Like some others- I am sad at the prospect of the Elf tagline completely disappearing and being out of sight out of mind.

    • gauloises1 said

      Oh Carrie, you know he’ll never be out of mind. And whenever there is news about him, believe me, I’ll blog it. I’m just trying to get through his absence the best way I know how …

      • Cubbie_Carrie said

        Yeah…it does help to get through the missing of a sports fave with the aid of another.

        Hopefully a towel in mouth, self depreciating, closet locking type.

        Go Ferru!

  30. Hart said

    I vote for Ferrer. If only because the tagline is made of win.

    2nd choice? Gulbis. B/c they is always the potential for more prostitutes/amazing quotage etc. Besides the tag line could be: New Balls Please: Because Ernests Gulbis solicited us on a streetcorner in Sweden”

    • gauloises1 said

      😆 If he wins, it’s going to be that.

      (HART!!!, btw.)

      • Hart said

        Hi G!
        Confession time. I lurk at your blog horribly. I love it. I might love you (that’s not creepy, is it?). But I never comment because I’m a bum (or at work. Whatever).

        Will try to do more in the future. If only because your blog is made of win.

  31. Beckham said

    Obviously, the best and only choice is Ernest Gulbis…why you may ask, well because he’s aweswomeness personified… I mean this is no contest…besides after he wins the USO and a 250 tourney he’s going to retire, he’s not going to be around for long…

    Sauraj Ernie!!!

    • Cubbie_Carrie said

      Pfft- I refuse to see the awesomeness that is Ferru being looked down on as “no contest.” 🙂

      Ernie may solicit prostitues but Ferru is the only one who smokes, eats Big Macs and calles female chair umps Mr. Warn.

  32. Pahis said

    I have a good feeling about Kontinen so I voted for him. If he doesn’t have as many injuries as he has had for a few years he could be very high in the ranking.

  33. naughty T....urbane gentleman said

    Henkon Henkon Henkon you foolzzzzzz

  34. Bismarck said

    who has been the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season? I would fain commission you vote tomas “tooms” berdych, people of the blogosphere.

  35. Claire said

    Wow – just realised I’ve spent the best part of an hour making this decision! Too many hot young men to pick one – I’ve really got to start watching more of the ATP

  36. Henkonfan said

    This election is too close to call… I won’t be sleeping tonite!

  37. Kristin said

    Can I vote twice? OR three times? Seriously, I don’t care who it is, you’ll make him deliciously desirable and laugh-inducing, Gaul

  38. naughty T....urbane gentleman said

    Come on folken Henkon is gonna give us the most laughs with with his crazy propensity to twitpic everything… plus Finnish people get drunk and fight with knives… imagine that at DCup!!

  39. irefusetotellyou said

    I have a feeling NB may turn into a “SAVAGES! SAVAGES! BARELY EVEN HUMAN!” mob lest HenKon lose.

    Help us Finnish Jesus!

    / not insinuating that HenKon is the Finnish Jesus

  40. Count von Count said

    people of the interweb (and i´m ´specially looking at you young and easily impressionable ones),

    don´t be fooled! in this day, and age, and time NB needs a strong mascot on top, not an unexperienced maybe-a-thing-in-the-future like the bloody young mr. kontinen. what if he forever stays on the challenger circuit? have you considered that?
    yes, he can… be a thing. maybe. but maybe not! this is not the time to wonder and this is not the time to risk reckless risks.

    vote stability. vote consistency. vote a strong mind. ➡ vote berdych.

    • naughty T....urbane gentleman said

      I smell the stench of cooking Kraut. I smell etwas ein bischen wie Electoral fraud… Count von Count sounds somewhat Mardyfishy to me.

  41. naughty T....urbane gentleman said

    well if we can have a hung parliament we can surely have Well Hanging Balls!! G can pick who she wants but form a coalition with Wilfy who will blog exclusively Henkish Challenged Finnish things.

  42. Saoirse said

    Ok so here’s the deal: Delpo left some pretty big shoes to filled – in more ways than one, obviously – and being substitute mascot of NBP is a HUGE responsibility, people. The winner will have to carry the weight of our expectations and fandom. Warning: the winner WILL disappoint for he is not/never will be our beloved Elf.
    BUT this is no reason to vote for just any tosser. So I have seriously been thinking about this all day as I don’t want my vote to go to the wrong horse/colt. I will have to stare at the winner’s mug for so much longer than I want/need to.

    SO… Marin. No. Just no. A 6’6′ September 1988 born tennis player does not a Delpo make. Personality-deficient and short on sexy brute animal charm. Sorry Gaul, I am sure he’s your favourite of the bunch but as much as I love you, I just can’t.
    Daveed… Now THAT I could live with, here on NBP or you know, elsewhere, like IN MY BED. A lion’s heart in the body of a luscious hobbit. The only problem with Daveed is his ‘always a bridesmaid complex’. You and me both.
    Tomas, you might have gotten my vote but your relationship with The Sex and your protuberant knees just make me uncomfortable. You’re still cute though.
    Boss. You sexy thing. Why only 5% of the votes for far?? What is wrong with the world in general and with you people in particular?? Unfortunately, voting for you at this point is like cancelling my vote. Lo siento, baby.
    Thomaz, Henri… We just don’t know each other that well. In my current state of deep depression, I just need something more potent to keep my mind off the Elf and away from the USO 2009 highlights before my relatives send me to the loony bin. I hope you understand.
    Ernie, you look like the bastard child of Mika and Russell Brand. You freak me out. Go away. Oh I know you will, you big choker.

    Vamos Daveed!!!!!

    • kefuoe said

      Impeccable logic + prurient interests. Magic.

      • naughty T....urbane gentleman said

        No no no .. this is about more than just someone you want to shag and see lose to Noodle. no no no just say no.

        • naughty T....urbane gentleman said

          and getting dumped from the DCup Arsemada.

        • Saoirse said

          Oh trust me, I want to do WAY more than just shag him – but I digress…

          Granted, the whole loosing to Noodle thing is a bit of a bummer but even you in all your mean-spirited badassery can’t deny the fact that the guy is a pint-sized warrior. We need Daveed’s lion heart to replace the polar bear shaped hole in our hearts!! Let’s not forget that the winner will be ‘replacing’ Delpo for a while. DELPO for fuck’s sake! Not just some random talent from the challengers circuit.

          What’s more, I don’t think your guy can grow a decent beard. Ability to have follicle sprout out of your face is crucial. I’m just sayin’.

          • naughty T....urbane gentleman said

            I sprout my own hairs.. so I got that covered really.. and not saying I wouldn’t do many a filthy thing to Ferru.. just that Henk is actually better at the whole tennis thing bit of the equation. really.

  43. lilmisslynch said

    totally agree with you about cilic. No consistency but still a fave of mine so I voted for him.I love all the spaniards though.Wont be the same for months. Delpo should really set up a facebook or a website then he would see all the support he gets from all of us…

  44. naughty T....urbane gentleman said

    Yessssssssssssss!!! Henkon Squeaks it!!

  45. Frances said

    I voted for Ferru, but really Gaul, it should be Tommy Robredo: Pssst, he already has nekkid pikshurs!

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